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CHAPTER IV.
HIS DIARY.
The views and practices of men of equal excellence have differed
considerably in regard to the keeping of a diary. Many have never
attempted it; some who at one period of life commenced it have
afterwards from various causes declined it; and others have steadily
adhered to a custom which certainly has the sanction of some of the
most eminent names in the church of God. It is at once admitted that
many diaries have been kept in the most injudicious manner, and it is
still more an object of deep regret that these records have in some
instances been published, not merely to the grief of serious and
intelligent minds, but to the injury of religion itself, and the
exciting a prejudice against all similar records. There are, however,
some published journals of excellent men which evince so much solid
judgment as well as fervent piety, and have been the sources of so
much usefulness, that a more than equal balance is presented against
works in part of an opposite description. No one is disposed to lament
the publication of parts of the Diaries of Philip and Matthew Henry,
Brainerd, Doddridge, or Joseph Williams and some others; writings
which illustrate the inward and outward power of godliness, reflect
honour upon the individuals themselves, and yield a powerful and holy
stimulus to the minds of other Christians. The Diary of Jonathan
Edwards corresponds in its excellencies with those to which reference
is thus made, and will be perused with the same feelings, and lead it
is hoped to the like beneficial effects.--This Diary begins Dec. 18,
1722, when he was nineteen years of age. As far as to Jan. 15th, at
night, it is written on two detached slips of paper; and the remainder
in a book. [7] As it commences abruptly, and as near as possible to
the top of that paper, the beginning of it is undoubtedly lost; and it
is not improbable, that, as he originally wrote it, it may have
reached back, at least to the period of his preparation for the
ministry. It was intended, as will at once be perceived, for his own
private use exclusively; and had it been with him at the close of
life, it is not unlikely it might have been destroyed. "Still,
whatever is calculated to do good, and is perfectly consistent with an
author's real reputation, may be published with honour, whatever his
design might be while writing. The best of men, indeed, have thoughts,
and opinions, and feelings, which are perfectly proper and right in
themselves, which yet it would be wholly improper for them to disclose
to others. But a man of sound discretion will take care that nothing
of this nature is placed within the reach of accident. What Mr.
Edwards wished to have concealed from every eye but his own, he wrote
in short hand; and on one occasion, after having written to a
considerable extent in that character, he adds this remark in his
customary hand, `Remember to act according to Prov. xii. 23. A prudent
man concealeth knowledge.'
[8] "The reader, while perusing the Diary in its various parts, will
be struck with it as possessing the following characteristics. It
consists of facts; and of solid thought, dictated by deep religious
feeling; and not of the mere expressions of feeling, or of
common-place moral reflections or exhortations. It was intended for
his own eyes exclusively; and not chiefly for those of his friends and
of the public. It is an exhibition of the simple thinking, feeling,
and acting of a man, who is unconscious how he appears, except to
himself and to God; and not the remarks of one, who is desirous of
being thought humble, respecting his own humility. If we suppose a man
of christian simplicity and godly sincerity to bring all the secret
movements of his own soul under the clear, strong light of heaven, and
there to survey them with a piercing and an honest eye, and a contrite
heart, in order to humble himself, and make himself better; it is just
the account which such a man would write."
diary.--December, 1722
"Dec. 18. This day made the 35th Resolution. The reason why I in the
least question my interest in God's love and favour, Isaiah,--1. Because I
cannot speak so fully to my experience of that preparatory work, of
which divines speak:--2. I do not remember that I experienced
regeneration, exactly in those steps, in which divines say it is
generally wrought:--3. I do not feel the christian graces sensibly
enough, particularly faith. I fear they are only such hypocritical
outside affections, which wicked men may feel as well as others. They
do not seem to be sufficiently inward, full, sincere, entire, and
hearty. They do not seem so substantial, and so wrought into my very
nature, as I could wish.--4. Because I am sometimes guilty of sins of
omission and commission. Lately I have doubted, whether I do not
transgress in evil speaking. This day, resolved, No.
Dec. 19. This day made the 36th Resolution. Lately I have been very
much perplexed, by seeing the doctrine of different degrees in glory
questioned; but now have almost got over the difficulty.
Dec. 20. This day somewhat questioned, whether I had not been guilty
of negligence yesterday, and this morning; but resolved, No.
Dec. 21, Friday. This day and yesterday, I was exceedingly dull, dry,
and dead.
Dec. 22, Saturday. This day, revived by God's Holy Spirit; affected
with the sense of the excellency of holiness; felt more exercise of
love to Christ, than usual. Have, also, felt sensible repentance for
sin, because it was committed against so merciful and good a God. This
night made the 37th Resolution.
Sabbath night, Dec. 23. Made the 38th Resolution.
Monday, Dec. 24. Higher thoughts than usual of the excellency of
Christ and his kingdom.--Concluded to observe, at the end of every
month, the number of breaches of resolutions, to see whether they
increase or diminish, to begin from this day, and to compute from that
the weekly account my monthly increase, and out of the whole, my
yearly increase, beginning from new-year days.
Wednesday, Dec. 26. Early in the morning yesterday, was hindered by
the head-ache all day; though I hope I did not lose much. Made an
addition to the 37th Resolution, concerning weeks, months, and
years.--At night. Made the 33d Resolution.
Saturday, Dec. 29. About sunset this day, dull and lifeless.
1722-23, Tuesday, Jan. 1. Have been dull for several days. Examined
whether I have not been guilty of negligence to-day; and resolved, No.
Wednesday, Jan. 2. Dull. I find, by experience, that, let me make
resolutions, and do what I will, with never so many inventions, it is
all nothing, and to no purpose at all, without the motions of the
Spirit of God; for if the Spirit of God should be as much withdrawn
from me always, as for the week past, notwithstanding all I do, I
should not grow, but should languish, and miserably fade away. I
perceive, if God should withdraw his Spirit a little more, I should
not hesitate to break my resolutions, and should soon arrive at my old
state. There is no dependence on myself. Our resolutions may be at the
highest one day, and yet, the next day, we may be in a miserable dead
condition, not at all like the same person who resolved. So that it is
to no purpose to resolve, except we depend on the grace of God. For,
if it were not for his mere grace, one might be a very good man one
day, and a very wicked one the next. I find also by experience, that
there is no guessing out the ends of Providence, in particular
dispensations towards me--any otherwise than as afflictions come as
corrections for sin, and God intends when we meet with them, to desire
us to look back on our ways, and see wherein we have done amiss, and
lament that particular sin, and all our sins, before him:--knowing
this, also, that all things shall work together for our good; not
knowing in what way, indeed, but trusting in God.
Saturday evening, Jan. 5. A little redeemed from a long dreadful
dulness, about reading the Scriptures. This week, have been unhappily
low in the weekly account:--and what are the reasons of it?--abundance
of listlessness and sloth; and if this should continue much longer, I
perceive that other sins will begin to discover themselves. It used to
appear to me, that I had not much sin remaining; but now, I perceive
that there are great remainders of sin. Where may it not bring me to,
if God should leave me? Sin is not enough mortified. Without the
influences of the Spirit of God, the old serpent would begin to rouse
up himself from his frozen state, and would come to life again.
Resolved, that I have been negligent in two things:--in not striving
enough in duty; and in not forcing myself upon religious thoughts.
Sabbath, Jan. 6. At night. Much concerned about the improvement of
precious time. Intend to live in continual mortification, without
ceasing, and even to weary myself thereby as long as I am in this
world, and never to expect or desire any worldly ease or pleasure.
Monday, Jan. 7. At night, made the 40th Resolution.
Tuesday, Jan. 8. In the morning, had higher thoughts than usual of the
excellency of Christ, and felt an unusual repentance of sin therefrom.
Wednesday, Jan. 9. At night. Decayed. I am sometimes apt to think,
that I have a great deal more of holiness than I really have. I find
now and then that abominable corruption, which is directly contrary to
what I read of eminent Christians. I do not seem to be half so careful
to improve time, to do every thing quick, and in as short a time as I
possibly can, nor to be perpetually engaged to think about religion,
as I was yesterday and the day before, nor indeed as I have been at
certain times, perhaps a twelvemonth ago. If my resolutions of that
nature, from that time, had always been kept alive and awake, how much
better might I have been than I now am! How deceitful is my heart! I
take up a strong resolution, but how soon doth it weaken!
Thursday, Jan. 10. About noon. Recovering. It is a great dishonour to
Christ, in whom I hope I have an interest, to be uneasy at my worldly
state and condition; or when I see the prosperity of others, and that
all things go easy with them, the world is smooth to them, and they
are very happy in many respects, and very prosperous, or are advanced
to much honour; to grudge them their prosperity, or envy them on
account of it, or to be in the least uneasy at it, to wish and long
for the same prosperity, and to desire that is should ever be so with
me. Wherefore, concluded always to rejoice in every one's prosperity,
and not to pretend to expect or desire it for myself; and to expect no
happiness of that nature, as long as I live; but to depend on
afflictions, and to betake myself entirely to another happiness.--I
think I find myself much more sprightly and healthy, both in body and
mind, for my self-denial in eating, drinking, and sleeping. I think it
would be advantageous, every morning to consider my business and
temptations, and the sins to which I shall be exposed on that day, and
to make a resolution how to improve the day, and avoid those sins; and
so at the beginning of every week, month, and year. I never knew
before what was meant, by not setting our hearts on those things. It
is, not to care about them, nor to depend upon them, nor to afflict
ourselves with the fear of losing them, nor to please ourselves with
the expectation of obtaining them, or with the hopes of their
continuance.--At night. Made the 41st Resolution.
Saturday, Jan. 12. In the morning. I have, this day, solemnly renewed
my baptismal covenant and self-dedication, which I renewed when I was
taken into the communion of the church. I have been before God, and
have given myself, all that I am and have, to God; so that I am not,
in any respect, my own. I can challenge no right in this
understanding, this will, these affections, which are in me. Neither
have I any right to this body, or any of its members--no right to this
tongue, these hands, these feet; no right to these senses, these eyes,
these ears, this smell, or this taste. I have given myself clear away,
and have not retained any thing as my own. I gave myself to God in my
baptism, and I have been this morning to him, and told him, that I
gave myself wholly to him. I have given every power to him; so that,
for the future, I'll challenge no right in myself, in no respect
whatever. I have expressly promised him, and I do now promise Almighty
God, that by his grace I will not. I have this morning told him that I
did take him for my whole portion and felicity, looking on nothing
else as any part of my happiness, nor acting as if it were; and his
law, for the constant rule of my obedience; and would fight with all
my might against the world, the flesh, and the devil, to the end of my
life; and that I did believe in Jesus Christ, and did receive him as a
Prince and Saviour; and that I would adhere to the faith and obedience
of the gospel, however hazardous and difficult the confession and
practice of it may be; and that I did receive the blessed Spirit as my
Teacher, Sanctifier, and only Comforter, and cherish all his motions
to enlighten, purify, confirm, comfort, and assist me. This, I have
done; and I pray God, for the sake of Christ, to look upon it as a
self-dedication, and to receive me now as entirely his own, and to
deal with me, in all respects, as such, whether he afflicts me or
prospers me, or whatever he pleases to do with me, who am his. Now,
henceforth, I am not to act, in any respect, as my own.--I shall act
as my own, if I ever make use of any of my powers to any thing that is
not to the glory of God, and do not make the glorifying of him my
whole and entire business:--if I murmur in the least at affliction; if
I grieve at the prosperity of others; if I am in any way uncharitable;
if I am angry because of injuries; if I revenge them; if I do any
thing purely to please myself, or if I avoid any thing for the sake of
my own ease; if I omit any thing because it is great self-denial; if I
trust to myself; if I take any of the praise of the good that I do, or
that God doth by me; or if I am in any way proud. This day, made the
42nd and 43rd Resolutions.--Whether or no, any other end ought to have
any influence at all on any of my actions; or whether any action ought
to be any otherwise, in any respect, than it would be, if nothing else
but religion had the least influence on my mind. Wherefore I make the
44th Resolution.
Query: Whether any delight or satisfaction ought to be allowed,
because any other end is obtained beside a religious one.--In the
afternoon. I answer, Yes, because, if we should never suffer ourselves
to rejoice, but because we have obtained a religious end, we should
never rejoice at the sight of friends, we should not allow ourselves
any pleasure in our food, whereby the animal spirits would be
withdrawn, and good digestion hindered. But the query is to be
answered thus:--We never ought to allow any joy or sorrow, but what
helps religion. Wherefore, I make the 45th Resolution.
The reason why I so soon grow lifeless, and unfit for the business I
am about, I have found out, is only because I have been used to suffer
myself to leave off, for the sake of ease, and so I have acquired a
habit of expecting ease; and therefore, when I think I have exercised
myself a great while, I cannot keep myself to it any longer, because I
expect to be released, as my due and right. And then I am deceived, as
if I were really tired and weary, whereas, if I did not expect ease,
and was resolved to occupy myself by business as much as I could, I
should continue with the same vigour at my business, without vacation
time to rest. Thus I have found it in reading the Scriptures; and thus
I have found it in prayer; and thus I believe it to be in getting
sermons by heart, and in other things.
At night. This week, the weekly account rose higher than ordinary. It
is suggested to me, that too constant a mortification, and too
vigorous application to religion, may be prejudicial to health; but
nevertheless, I will plainly feel it and experience it, before I cease
on this account. It is no matter how much tired and weary I am, if my
health is not impaired.
Sabbath day, Jan. 13. I plainly feel, that if I should continue to go
on, as from the beginning of the last week hitherto, I should
continually grow and increase in grace. After the afternoon meeting,
made an addition to the 45th Resolution.--At noon. I remember I
thought that I loved to be a member of Christ, and not any thing
distinct, but only a part, so as to have no separate interest or
pleasure of my own.--At night. Resolved to endeavour fully to
understand 1 Cor. vii. 29-32. and to act according to it.
Monday, Jan. 14. About 10 o'clock in the morning made this book, and
put these papers in it. [9] The dedication, which I made of myself to
God on Saturday last, has been exceedingly useful to me. I thought I
had a more spiritual insight into the Scriptures, when reading the 8th
of Romans, than ever before.--At night. Great instances of
mortification are deep wounds given to the body of sin; hard blows,
which make him stagger and reel. We thereby get strong ground and
footing against him, he is the weaker ever after, and we have easier
work with him the next time. He grows cowardly; and we can easily
cause him to give way, until at length we find it easy work with him,
and can kill him at pleasure. While we live without great instances of
mortification and self-denial, the old man keeps about where he was;
for he is sturdy and obstinate, and will not stir for small blows.
This, without doubt, is one great reason why many Christians do not
sensibly increase in grace. After the greatest mortifications, I
always find the greatest comfort. Wrote the 63rd Resolution. Such
little things as Christians commonly do, will not evince much increase
of grace. We must do great things for God.--It will be best, when I
find that I have lost any former ancient good motions or actions, to
take notice of it, if I can remember them.
Tuesday, Jan. 15. About two or three o'clock. I have been all this
time decaying. It seemed yesterday, the day before, and Saturday, that
I should always retain the same resolutions to the same height. But
alas! how soon do I decay! O how weak, how infirm, how unable to do
any thing of myself! What a poor inconsistent being! What a miserable
wretch, without the assistance of the Spirit of God! While I stand, I
am ready to think that I stand by my own strength, and upon my own
legs; and I am ready to triumph over my spiritual enemies, as if it
were I myself that caused them to flee:--when alas! I am but a poor
infant, upheld by Jesus Christ; who holds me up, and gives me liberty
to smile to see my enemies flee, when he drives them before me. And so
I laugh, as though I myself did it, when it is only Jesus Christ leads
me along, and fights himself against my enemies. And now the Lord has
a little left me, how weak do I find myself! O let it teach me to
depend less on myself, to be more humble, and to give more of the
praise of my ability to Jesus Christ! The heart of man is deceitful
above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?--The
occasion of my decaying, is a little melancholy. My spirits are
depressed, because I fear that I lost some friendship the last night;
and, my spirits being depressed, my resolutions have lost their
strength. I differ to-day from yesterday in these things: I do not
resolve anything to-day half so strongly. I am not so perpetually
thinking of renewing my resolutions as I was then. I am not half so
vigorous as I was then; nor am I half so careful to do every thing
with vigour. Then, I kept continually acting; but now, I do things
slowly, and satisfy myself by thinking of religion in the mean time. I
am not so careful to go from one business to another.--I felt
humiliation about sun-set. What shall I do, in order that I may, with
a good grace, fall into christian discourse and conversation?--At
night. The next time I am in such a lifeless frame, I will force
myself to go rapidly from one thing to another, and to do those things
with vigour, in which vigour would ever be useful. The things which
take off my mind, when bent on religion, are commonly some remarkable
change or alteration--journeys, change of place, change of business,
change of studies, and change of other circumstances; or something
that makes me melancholy; or some sin.
Thursday, Jan. 17. About three o'clock, overwhelmed with melancholy.
Friday, Jan. 18. At night. Beginning to endeavour to recover out of
the death I have been in for these several days.
Sabbath day, Jan. 20. At night. The last week I was sunk so low, that
I fear it will be a long time before I am recovered. I fell
exceedingly low in the weekly account. I find my heart so deceitful,
that I am almost discouraged from making any more
resolutions.--Wherein have I been negligent in the week past; and how
could I have done better, to help the dreadful low estate in which I
am sunk?
Monday, Jan. 21 Before sunrise, answered the preceding questions thus:
I ought to have spent my time in bewailing my sins, and in singing
psalms--especially psalms or hymns of penitence; these duties being
most suited to the frame I was in. I do not spend time enough in
endeavouring to affect myself with the glories of Christianity.--Fell
short in the monthly account. It seems to me, that I am fallen from my
former sense of the pleasantness of religion.
Tuesday, Feb. 5. At night. I have thought that this being so
exceedingly careful, and so particularly anxious, to force myself to
think of religion at all times, has exceedingly distracted my mind,
and made me altogether unfit for that and every thing else. I have
thought that this caused the dreadful low condition I was in on the
15th of January. I think that I stretched myself further than I could
bear, and so broke.--But now it seems to me, though I know not why,
that I do not do enough to prepare for another world. I do not seem to
press forward, to fight and wrestle, as the apostles used to speak. I
do not seem so greatly and constantly to mortify and deny myself, as
the mortification of which they speak represents. Therefore, wherein
ought I to do more in this way?--I answer: I am again grown too
careless about eating, drinking, and sleeping--not careful enough
about evil-speaking.
Saturday, Feb. 16. I do certainly know that I love holiness, such as
the gospel prescribes.--At night. For the time past of my life, I have
been negligent, in that I have not sufficiently kept up that part of
divine worship. singing the praise of God in secret and with
company.--I have been negligent this month past, in these three
things: I have not been watchful enough over my appetites, in eating
and drinking; in rising too late in the morning; and in not applying
myself with sufficient application to the duty of secret prayer.
Sabbath day, Feb. 17. Near sunset. Renewedly promised, that I will
accept of God for my whole portion, and that I will be contented,
whatever else I am denied. I will not murmur, nor be grieved, whatever
prosperity upon any account I see others enjoy and I am denied. To
this I have lately acted contrary.
Thursday, Feb. 21. I perceive that I never yet have adequately known
what was meant by being weaned from the world, by not laying up
treasure on earth, but in heaven, by not having our portion in this
life, by making the concerns of another life our whole business, by
taking God for our whole portion. I find my heart in great part yet
adheres to the earth. O that it might be quite separated from thence.
I find when I have power and reputation as others, I am uneasy, and it
does not satisfy me to tell me, that I have chosen God for my whole
portion, and that I have promised to rest entirely contented with him.
Saturday, Feb. 23. I find myself miserably negligent, and that I might
do twice the business that I do, if I were set upon it. See how soon
my thoughts of this matter will be differing from what they are now. I
have been indulging a horrid laziness a good while, and did not know
it. I can do seven times as much in the same time now, as I can at
other times, not because my faculties are in better tune; but because
of the fire of diligence that I feel burning within me. If I could but
always continue so, I should not meet with one quarter of the trouble.
I should run the christian race much better, and should go out of the
world a much better man.
Saturday, March 2. O how much more base and vile am I, when I feel
pride working in me, than when I am in a more humble disposition of
mind! How much, how exceedingly much, more lovely is an humble than a
proud disposition! I now plainly perceive it, and am really sensible
of it. How immensely more pleasant is an humble delight, than a high
thought of myself! How much better do I feel, when I am truly humbling
myself, than when I am pleasing myself with my own perfections! O how
much pleasanter is humility than pride! O that God would fill me with
exceeding great humility, and that he would evermore keep me from all
pride! The pleasures of humility are really the most refined, inward,
and exquisite delights in the world. How hateful is a proud man! How
hateful is a worm, that lifts up itself with pride! What a foolish,
silly, miserable, blind, deceived poor worm am I, when pride
works.--At night. I have lately been negligent as to reading the
Scriptures. Notwithstanding my resolutions on Saturday was se'night, I
have not been sedulous and diligent enough.
Wednesday, March 6. Near sunset. Regarded the doctrines of election,
free grace, our inability to do any thing without the grace of God,
and that holiness is entirely, throughout, the work of the Spirit of
God, with greater pleasure than ever before.
Thursday, March 7. I think I now suffer from not forcing myself enough
on religious thoughts.
Saturday night, March 24. I intend, if I am ever settled, to concert
measures, and study methods, of doing good in the world, and to draw
up rules of acting in this matter, in writing, of all the methods I
can possibly devise, by which I can in any respect do good.
Saturday night, March 31. This week I have been too careless about
eating.
Monday morning, April 2. I think it best not to allow myself to laugh
at the faults, follies, and infirmities of others.
Saturday night, April 7. This week I found myself so far gone, that it
seemed to me I should never recover more. Let God of his mercy return
unto me, and no more leave me thus to sink and decay! I know, O Lord,
that without thy help I shall fall, innumerable times, not
withstanding all my resolutions, how often soever repeated.
Saturday night, April 14. I could pray more heartily this night for
the forgiveness of my enemies, than ever before.--I am somewhat apt,
after having asked one petition over many times, to be weary of it;
but I am now resolved not to give way to such a disposition.
Wednesday forenoon, May 1. Last night I came home, after my melancholy
parting from New York.
I have always in every different state of life I have hitherto been
in, thought that the troubles and difficulties of that state were
greater than those of any other state that I proposed to be in; and
when I have altered, with assurance of mending myself, I have still
thought the same, yea that the difficulties of that state are greater
than those of that I left last. Lord, grant that from hence I may
learn to withdraw thoughts, affections, desires, and expectations
entirely from the world, and may fix them upon the heavenly state,
where there is fulness of joy; where reigns heavenly, sweet, calm, and
delightful love without alloy; where there are continually the dearest
expressions of this love; where there is the enjoyment of this love
without ever parting; and where those persons, who appear so lovely in
this world, will be inexpressibly more lovely, and full of love to us.
How sweetly will those, who thus mutually love, join together in
singing the praises of God and the Lamb. How full will it fill us with
joy, to think that this enjoyment, these sweet exercises, will never
cease or come to an end, but will last to all eternity. Remember after
journeys, removals, overturnings, and alterations in the state of my
life, to reflect and consider, whether therein I have managed the best
way possible respecting my soul; and before such alterations, if
foreseen, to resolve how to act.
Thursday, May 2. Afternoon. I observe this, that when I was at New
York, when I meditated on things of a religious nature, I used to
conceive of myself as walking in the fields at home; but now I am at
home, I conceive of myself as walking in the fields which I used to
frequent at New York. I think it a very good way, to examine dreams
every morning when I awake; what are the nature, circumstance,
principles, and ends of my imaginary actions and passions in them; in
order to discern what are my prevailing inclinations, &c.
Saturday night, May 4. Although I have, in some measure, subdued a
disposition to chide and fret, yet I find a certain inclination, which
is not agreeable to christian sweetness of temper and conversation:
either too much dogmaticalness or too much egotism; a disposition to
manifest my own dislike and scorn, and my own freedom from those which
are innocent, sinless, yea common infirmities of men, and many other
such like things. O that God would help me to discover all the flaws
and defects of my temper and conversation, and help me in the
difficult work of amending them; and that he would grant me so full a
measure of vital Christianity, that the foundation of all those
disagreeable irregularities may be destroyed, and the contrary
sweetnesses and beauties may of themselves naturally follow.
Sabbath morning, May 5. Made the 47th Resolution.
Monday morning, May 6. I think it best commonly to come before God
three times in a day, except I find a great inaptitude to that duty.
Saturday night, May 11. I have been to blame, the month past, in not
laying violence enough to my inclination, to force myself to a better
improvement of time. Have been tardy with respect to the 47th
Resolution. Have also been negligent about keeping my thoughts, when
joining with others in prayer.
Sabbath-day morning, May 12. I have lost that relish of the
Scriptures, and other good books, which I had five or six months ago.
Resolved, When I find in myself the least disposition to exercise good
nature, that I will then strive most to feel good-naturedly.--At noon.
Observe to remember the meditations which I had at West Chester, as I
was coming from New York; and those which I had in the orchard; and
those under the oak-tree. This day, and the last night, I read over
and reviewed those reflections and remarks, which I find to be a very
beneficial thing to me.--After the afternoon meeting. I think I find
in my heart to be glad from the hopes I have, that my eternity is to
be spent in spiritual and holy joys, arising from the manifestation of
God's love, and the exercise of holiness, and burning love to him.
Saturday night, May 18. This week past, spent in journeying to
Norwich, and the towns thereabouts. This day returned, and received a
letter from my dear friend, Mr. John Smith.--The last Wednesday, took
up a resolution to refrain from all manner of evil speaking, for one
week to try it, and see the effect of it: hoping, if that evil
speaking, which I used to allow myself in, and to account lawful,
agreeably to the resolutions I have formed concerning it, were not
lawful, or best, I should hereby discover it, and get the advantage of
temptations to it, and so deceive myself into a strict adherence to my
duty, respecting that matter;--that that corruption, which I cannot
conquer by main strength, I may get the victory of by stratagem. I
find the effect of it already to be, to make me apt to take it for
granted, that what I have resolved on this week, is a duty to be
observed for ever.
I now plainly perceive, what great obligations I am under to love and
honour my parents. I have great reason to believe, that their counsel
and education have been my making: though, in the time of it, it
seemed to do me so little good. I have good reason to hope, that their
prayers for me have been, in many things, very powerful and prevalent,
that God has, in many things, taken me under his care and guidance,
provision and direction, in answer to their prayers for me. I was
never made so sensible of it as now.
I think it the best way, in general, not to seek for honour, in any
other way, than by seeking to be good and to do good. I may pursue
knowledge, religion, the glory of God, and the good of mankind with
the utmost vigour; but am to leave the honour of it entirely at God's
disposal, as a thing with which I have no immediate concern; no, not
although, by possessing that honour, I have the greater opportunity to
do good.
Mem. To be particularly careful, lest I should be tardy in any point
wherein I have been negligent, or have erred, in days, weeks, months,
or years past.
Sabbath-day morning, May 19. With respect to my journey last week, I
was not careful enough to watch opportunities of solemnly approaching
to God three times a day. The last week, when I was about to take up
the Wednesday Resolution, it was proposed to me, in my thought, to
omit it till I got home again, because there would be a more
convenient opportunity. Thus am I ready to look at any thing as an
excuse, to grow slack in my christian course.--At night. Concluded to
add to my inquiries, as to the spending of time.--At the beginning of
the day, or the period, What can I do for the good of men?--and at the
end, What have I done for their good?
Tuesday morning, May 21. My conscience is, undoubtedly, more calm,
since my last Wednesday Resolution, than it was before.
Wednesday morning, May 22. Memorandum. To take special care of the
following things: evil speaking, fretting, eating, drinking, and
sleeping, speaking simple verity, joining in prayer, slightiness in
secret prayer, listlessness and negligence, and thoughts that cherish
sin.
Saturday morning, May 25. As I was this morning reading the 17th
Resolution, it was suggested to me, that if I were now to die, I
should wish that I had prayed more that God would make me know my
state, whether it be good or bad, and that I had taken more pains and
care, to see and narrowly search into that matter. Wherefore, Mem, for
the future, most nicely and diligently to look into the opinions of
our old divines, concerning conversion. This morning made the 48th
Resolution.
Monday afternoon, May 27. Memorandum. Not only to keep from an air of
dislike, anger, and fretfulness, in discourse or conversation; but,
let me also have as much of an appearance of love, cheerfulness, and
benignity, as may be, with a good grace. These following things
especially to beware of, in order to the better observation of the
47th Resolution: distrust, discontent, uneasiness and a complaining
temper, self-opinion, self-confidence, melancholy, moroseness, slight
antipathy, privacy, indolence, and want of resolution--to beware of
any thing in discourse or conversation that savours of these.
Saturday night, June 8. At Boston. When I find myself listless and
dull, and not easily affected by reading religious books, then to read
my resolutions, remarks, reflections, &c.--One thing that would be of
great advantage to me, in reading to my profit, would be, the
endeavouring, with all my might, to keep the image and picture of the
thing in my mind, and be careful that I do not lose it in the chain of
the discourse.
Sabbath day, June 9, after the afternoon meeting. Mem. When I fear
misfortune, to examine whether I have done my duty; and at the same
time, to resolve to do it, and let it go, and be concerned about
nothing, but my duty and my sin.
Saturday morning, June 15. At Windsor. Have been to blame, this
journey, with respect to strict temperance, in eating, drinking, and
sleeping, and in suffering too small matters to give interruption to
my wonted chain of religious exercises.--Concluded to protract the
Wednesday Resolution to the end of my life.
Tuesday morning, June 18. Mem. To do that part, which I conveniently
can, of my stated exercise, while about other business, such as
self-examination, resolutions, &c. that I may do the remainder in less
time.
Friday afternoon, June 21. I have abundant cause, O my merciful
Father, to love thee ardently, and greatly, to bless and praise thee,
that thou hast heard me, in my earnest request, and so hast answered
my prayer, for mercy, to keep me from decay and sinking. O, graciously
of thy mere goodness, still continue to pity my misery, by reason of
my sinfulness. O, my dear Redeemer, I commit myself, together with my
prayer and thanksgiving, into thine hand.
Saturday morning, June 22. Altered the 36th Resolution, to make it the
same with the Wednesday Resolution. If I should take special care,
every day, to rise above, or not to fall below, or to fall as little
as I possibly could below, what I was the day before, it would be of
great advantage to me.--I take notice that most of these
determinations, when I first resolve them, seem as if they would be
much more beneficial than I find them.
Tuesday morning, June 25. Last sabbath, at Boston, reading the 6th,
7th, and 8th verses of the 6th to the Ephesians, concluded that it
would be much to my advantage, to take the greatest care, never to do
any thing but my duty, and then to do it willingly, cheerfully, and
gladly, whatever danger or unpleasant circumstances it may be attended
with; with good-will doing it, as to the Lord, not as pleasing man, or
myself; knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doth, the same
shall he receive of the Lord.
Saturday morning, June 29. It is best to be careful in prayer, not to
put up those petitions, of which I do not feel a sincere desire:
thereby my prayer is rendered less sincere, less acceptable to God,
and less useful to myself.
Monday noon, July 1. I find I am not careful enough, to keep out all
thoughts but religious ones on the sabbath. When I find the least
uneasiness in doing my duty, to fly to the 43rd Resolution.
Wednesday night, July 3. I am too negligent, with respect to improving
petty opportunities of doing good; thinking, that the good will be
very small and unextended, and not worth the pains. Resolved, to
regulate this, as that which is wrong, and what ought not to
be.--Again confirmed by experience, of the happy effects of a strict
temperance, with respect both to body and mind.
Thursday morning, July 4. The last night, in bed, when thinking of
death, I thought if I was then to die, that which would make me die in
the least degree fearfully, would be the want of a trusting and
relying on Jesus Christ, so distinctly and plainly, as has been
described by divines; my not having experienced so particular a
venturing, and entirely trusting my soul on Christ, after the fears of
hell, and terrors of the Lord, encouraged by the mercy, faithfulness,
and promises of God, and the gracious invitations of Christ. Then I
thought I could go out of the world, as much assured of my salvation,
as I was of Christ's faithfulness, knowing that if Christ did not fail
me, he would save me who had trusted in him on his word.--At night.
Whenever things begin to seem to be in the least out of order, when
things begin to feel uneasy within, or irregular without, then to
examine myself by the strictest examination.--Resolved, for the future
to observe rather more of meekness, moderation, and temper in
disputes.
Friday morning, July 5. Last night, when thinking what I should wish I
had done, that I had not done, if I was then to die; I thought I
should wish, that I had been more importunate with God to fit me for
death, and lead me into all truth, and that I might not be deceived
about the state of my soul.--In the forenoon made the 50th Resolution.
Thursday night, July 11. This day, too impatient at the church
meeting. Snares and briers have been in my way this afternoon. It is
good at such times for one to manifest good nature, even to one's
disadvantage, and so as would be imprudent at other times.
Saturday morning, July 13. Transferred the conclusion of June 9, to
the Resolution, No. 57; and the conclusion of May 27, to No. 58; and
May 12, and July 11, to No. 59; and of July 4, at night, to No. 60;
and of May 24, to No. 61; and of June 25, to No. 62; and about noon,
the Resolution of January 14, to No. 63.--In times past, I have been
too free in judging of the hearts of men from their actions.
Thursday, July 18. Near sunset. Resolved, to make sure of that sign,
which the apostle James gives of a perfect man: James iii. 2. "If any
man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able, also, to
bridle the whole body."
Friday afternoon, July 19. 1 Peter ii. 18.. "Servants, be subject to
your masters, with all fear; not only to the good and gentle, but also
to the froward:" how then ought children to honour their
parents!--This verse, together with the two following, viz. "For this
is thankworthy, if a man for conscience toward God endure grief,
suffering wrongfully. For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted
for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well,
and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God."
Saturday noon, July 20. Dr. Manton's Sermon, on the 119th Psalm. pp.
140, 141. Of Evil-speaking, Use 2d. To them that either devise or
receive reproaches. Both are very sinful. Hypocrites, and men that put
themselves into a garb of religion, are all for censuring, take a
mighty freedom that way: these men betray the rottenness of their
hearts.--Alas, in our own sight, we should be the worst of men. The
children of God do ever thus speak of themselves, as the least of
saints, the greatest of sinners--"more brutish than any man"--"of
sinners, whereof I am the chief." You rob them of the most precious
treasure. He that robs thee of thy name, is the worst kind of thief.
Prov. xxii. 1.. "A good name is rather to be chosen than great
riches."--Object. But must we, in no case, speak evil of another; or
may we not speak of another's sin in any case?--Solution 1. It is a
very hard matter to speak evil of another without sin.--In one way or
another, we shall dash upon the command: better let it alone.--If you
speak of the failings of another, it should be with tenderness and
grief; as, when they are incorrigible, and likely to infect others; or
when it is for the manifest glory of God.--To them that receive the
slander, he is a slanderer, who wrongs his neighbour's credit, by
upholding an ill report against him.
Monday afternoon, July 22. I find it would be desirable, on many
accounts, always to endeavour to wear a benign aspect and air of
acting and speaking, in all companies, except it should so happen,
that duty requires it otherwise.--I am afraid I am now defective, in
not doing whatever my hand finds to do, with my might, with respect to
my particular affairs. Remember to watch, see, and know how it is.
Vid. Aug. 31.--I see there is danger, of my being drawn into
transgression, by the power of such temptations, as the fear of
seeming uncivil, and of offending friends. Watch against it.--I might
still help myself, and yet not hurt myself, by going with greater
expedition from one thing to another, without being quite so nice.
Tuesday afternoon, July 23. When I find those groanings which cannot
be uttered, of which the apostle speaks, and those soul-breakings for
the longing it hath, of which the psalmist speaks, (Ps. cxix. 20.)
Resolved, to favour and promote them, to the utmost of my power, and
not to be weary of earnestly endeavouring to vent my desires, and not
to be weary of the repetitions of such earnestness.
To count it all joy, when I have occasions of great self-denial;
because, then, I have a glorious opportunity of giving deadly wounds
to the body of sin, and of greatly confirming and establishing the new
creature. I seek to mortify sin, and increase in holiness. These are
the best opportunities, according to Jan. 14.
To improve afflictions, of all kinds, as blessed opportunities of
forcibly bearing on, in my christian course, notwithstanding that
which is so very apt to discourage me, and to damp the vigour of my
mind, and to make me lifeless; also, as opportunities of trusting and
confiding in God, and getting a habit of so doing, according to the
57th Resolution; and as an opportunity of rending my heart off from
the world, and setting it on heaven alone, according to Jan. 10. and
the 43d and 45th Resolutions; and according to Jan. 12 Feb. 17 and 21.
and May 1.--To improve them, also, as opportunities to repent of and
bewail my sin, and abhor myself; and as a blessed opportunity to
exercise patience, to trust in God, and divest my mind from the
affliction, by fixing myself in religious exercises. Also, let me
comfort myself, that it is the very nature of afflictions, to make the
heart better; and, if I am made better by them, what need I be
concerned, however grievous they seem for the present.
Wednesday night, July 24. I begin to find the success of my striving,
in joining with others, in the worship of God; insomuch that there is
a prospect of making it easy and delightful, and very profitable, in
time. Wherefore, Resolved not to cease striving, but to continue it,
and redouble it.
Thursday morning, July 25. Altered, and anew established, the 8th
Resolution; also established my determination of April 1.--Memorandum.
At a convenient time, to make an alphabet of these Resolutions and
Remarks, that I may be able to educe them on proper occasions,
suitable to the condition I am in, and the duty I am engaged in.
Friday afternoon, July 26. To be particularly careful, to keep up,
inviolably, a trust and reliance, ease and entire rest in God, in all
conditions, according to the 57th Resolution; for this I have found to
be wonderfully advantageous to me.--At night. Resolved, very much to
exercise myself in this, all my life long: viz. with the greatest
openness, of which I am capable, to declare my ways to God, and lay
open my soul to him:--all my sins, temptations, difficulties, sorrows,
fears, hopes, desires, and every thing and every circumstance,
according to Dr. Manton's 27th Sermon, on the 119th Psalm.
Saturday forenoon, July 27. When I am violently beset with temptation,
or cannot rid myself of evil thoughts, to do something in arithmetic,
or geometry, or some other study, which necessarily engages all my
thoughts, and unavoidably keeps them from wandering.
Monday afternoon, July 29. When I am concerned how I shall prepare any
thing to public acceptance, to be very careful that I have it very
clear to me, to do what is duty and prudence in the matter.--I
sometimes find myself able to trust God, and to be pretty easy when
the event is uncertain, but I find it difficult when I am convinced
beforehand, that the event will be adverse. I find that this arises,
1. From my want of faith, to believe that that particular advantage
will be more to my advantage than disadvantage: 2. From the want of a
due sense of the real preferableness of that good, which will be
obtained to that which is lost: 3. From the want of a spirit of
adoption.
Tuesday night, July 30. Have concluded to endeavour to work myself
into duties by searching and tracing back all the real reasons why I
do them not, and narrowly searching out all the subtle subterfuges of
my thoughts, and answering them to the utmost of my power, that I may
know what are the very first originals of my defect, as with respect
to want of repentance, love to God, loathing of myself,--to do this
sometimes in sermons.--Vid. Resolution 8. Especially, to take occasion
therefrom, to bewail those sins of which I have been guilty, that are
akin to them; as for instance, from pride in others, to take occasion
to bewail my pride; from their malice, to take occasion to bewail my
evil speaking: and so of other sins. Mem. To receive slanders and
reproaches, as glorious opportunities of doing this.
Wednesday afternoon, July 31. After afflictions, to inquire what I am
the better for them; what good I have got by them; and what I might
have got by them.--Never in the least to seek to hear sarcastical
relations of others' faults. Never to give credit to any thing said
against others, except there is very plain reason for it; nor to
behave in any respect otherwise for it.
Sabbath morning, Aug. 4. Concluded at last, at those times when I am
in the best frames, to set down the aspirations of my heart, as soon
as I can get time.
Tuesday afternoon, Aug. 6. Very much convinced of the extraordinary
deceitfulness of the heart, and how exceedingly affection or appetite
blinds the mind, and brings it into entire subjection. There are many
things which I should really think to be my duty, if I had the same
affections, as when I first came from New York; which now I think not
to be so. How doth appetite stretch the reason, to bring both ends
together.
Wednesday forenoon, Aug. 7. To esteem it as some advantage, that the
duties of religion are difficult, and that many difficulties are
sometimes to be gone through, in the way of duty. Religion is the
sweeter, and what is gained by labour is abundantly more precious, as
a woman loves her child the more for having brought it forth with
travail; and even to Christ Jesus himself his mediatorial glory, his
victory and triumph, the kingdom which he hath obtained, how much more
glorious is it, how much more excellent and precious, for his having
wrought it out with such agonies.
Friday afternoon, Aug. 9. With respect to the important business which
I have now in hand [10] , Resolved, To do whatever I think to be duty,
prudence, and diligence in the matter, and to avoid ostentation; and
if I succeed not, and how many disappointments soever I meet with, to
be entirely easy; only to take occasion to acknowledge my
unworthiness; and if it should actually not succeed, and should not
find acceptance, as I expected, yet not to afflict myself about it,
according to the 57th Resolution.--At night. One thing that may be a
good help towards thinking profitably in times of vacation, is, when I
find a profitable thought that I can fix my mind on, to follow it as
far as I possibly can to advantage.--I missed it when a graduate at
college, both in point of duty and prudence, in going against a
universal benevolence and good nature.
Saturday morning, Aug. 10. Transferred my determination of July 23, to
the 64th Resolution, and that of July 26, to the 65th.--About sunset.
As a help against that inward shameful hypocrisy, to confess frankly
to myself all that which I find in myself, either infirmity or sin;
also to confess to God, and open the whole case to him, when it is
what concerns religion, and humbly and earnestly implore of him the
help that is needed; not in the least to endeavour to smother what is
in my heart, but to bring it all out to God and my conscience. By this
means, I may arrive at a greater knowledge of my own heart.--When I
find difficulty in finding a subject of religious meditation, in
vacancies, to pitch at random on what alights to my thoughts, and to
go from that to other things which that shall bring into my mind, and
follow this progression as a clue, till I come to what I can meditate
on with profit and attention, and then to follow that, according to
last Thursday's determination.
Sabbath afternoon, Aug. 11. Resolved always to do that, which I shall
wish I had done when I see others do it; as for instance, sometimes I
argue with myself, that such an act of good nature, kindness,
forbearance, or forgiveness, &c. is not my duty, because it will have
such and such consequences: yet when I see others do it, then it
appears amiable to me, and I wish I had done it, and see that none of
these feared inconveniences follow.
Monday morning, Aug. 12. The chief thing, that now makes me in any
measure to question my good estate, is my not having experienced
conversion in those particular steps, wherein the people of New
England, and anciently the dissenters of Old England, used to
experience it. Wherefore, now resolved, never to leave searching, till
I have satisfyingly found out the very bottom and foundation, the real
reason, why they used to be converted in those steps.
Tuesday morning, Aug. 13. Have sinned, in not being careful enough to
please my parents.--Afternoon. I find it would be very much to my
advantage, to be thoroughly acquainted with the Scriptures. When I am
reading doctrinal books, or books of controversy, I can proceed with
abundantly more confidence; can see on what footing and foundation I
stand.
Saturday noon, Aug. 17. Let there, in the general, be something of
benevolence in all that I speak.
Tuesday night, Aug. 20. Not careful enough in watching opportunities
of bringing in christian discourse with a good grace. Do not exercise
myself half enough in this holy art; neither have I courage enough to
carry it on with a good grace. Vid Sept. 2.
Saturday morning, Aug. 24. Have not practised quite right about
revenge; though I have not done any thing directly out of revenge, yet
I have perhaps omitted some things that I should otherwise have done;
or have altered the circumstances and manner of my actions, hoping for
a secret sort of revenge thereby. I have felt a little sort of
satisfaction, when I thought that such an evil would happen to them by
my actions, as would make them repent what they have done. To be
satisfied for their repenting, when they repent from a sense of their
error, is right. But a satisfaction in their repentance, because of
the evil that is brought upon them, is revenge. This is in some
measure a taking the matter out of God's hands when he was about to
manage it, who is better able to plead it for me. Well, therefore, may
he leave me to boggle at it.--Near sunset. I yet find a want of
dependence on God, to look unto him for success, and to have my eyes
unto him for his gracious disposal of the matter; for want of a sense
of God's particular influence, in ordering and directing all affairs
and businesses, of whatever nature, however naturally, or
fortuitously, they may seem to succeed; and for want of a sense of
those great advantages, that would follow therefrom: not considering
that God will grant success, or make the contrary more to my
advantage; or will make the advantage accruing from the
unsuccessfulness more sensible and apparent; or will make it of less
present and outward disadvantage; or will some way so order the
circumstances, as to make the unsuccessfulness more easy to bear: or
several, or all of these. This want of dependence, is likewise for
want of the things mentioned, July 29.--Remember to examine all
narrations I can call to mind; whether they are exactly according to
verity.
Wednesday night, Aug. 28. When I want books to read; yea, when I have
not very good books, not to spend time in reading them, but in reading
the Scriptures, in perusing Resolutions, Reflections, &c. in writing
on types of the Scripture, and other things, in studying the
languages, and in spending more time in private duties. To do this,
when there is a prospect of wanting time for the purpose. Remember, as
soon as I can to get a piece of slate, or something, whereon I can
make short memorandums while travelling.
Thursday, Aug. 29. Two great quærenda with me now are: How shall I
make advantage of all the time I spend in journeys? and how shall I
make a glorious improvement of afflictions?
Saturday night, Aug. 31. The objection which my corruptions make
against doing whatever my hands find to do with my might, is, that it
is a constant mortification. Let this objection by no means ever
prevail.
Sabbath morning, Sept. 1. When I am violently beset with worldly
thoughts, for a relief, to think of death, and the doleful
circumstances of it.
Monday afternoon, Sept. 2. To help me to enter with a good grace into
religious conversation; when I am conversing on morality, to turn it
over by application, exemplification, or otherwise, to Christianity.
Vid. Aug. 28, and Jan. 15.--At night. There is much folly, when I am
quite sure I am in the right, and others are positive in contradicting
me, in entering into a vehement or long debate upon it.
Saturday, Sept. 7. Concluded no more to suffer myself to be
interrupted, or diverted from important business, by t