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Commentary Index | Return to PrayerRequest.com | DownloadChristian Courtship by Charles Clarke: 02 - Courtship
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Chapter Two
Courtship
If the first period of adolescent life has been happily passed in a growing understanding of and fellowship with the members of the opposite sex, there will be no difficulty in passing on to the next step in the serious game of choosing your partner. Among your friends will be someone who attracts you more than the others, and in your later 'teen years he or she is likely to become your special friend. So quite naturally, friendship should lead to courtship. The natural basis of this kind of friendship is sex attraction. It is that which impels you to select one friend from among all the others. It fills the friendship with that beautiful and exhilarating emotion which we call `being in love'. You feel that your heart has already chosen your destined mate. This is natural and right. Nothing I shall say later on the importance of compatibility is meant to disparage the value of being in love. That wonderful experience is the primary element in courtship.
Among young people courtship is thought of and talked about as `great fun'. There is no human experience more exhilarating to mind and body than falling in love. Even the prospect of such an experience makes life a thrilling adventure for most young people. But what needs to be pointed out is that it is much more than `great fun'. It is one of the most serious issues of your life. During these critical months and years you are choosing your life-partner, and therefore, you are choosing your destiny. You yourself are choosing your own happiness or misery. You are choosing whether the rest of your life is to be lived in the heaven of perpetual `keeping in love' or, may be, in the hell of disharmony and perpetual friction. Other people are not choosing for you. You would be indignant if they attempted to. You insist that this is your choice. And so it is.
How important therefore, that you choose aright! How important that you are careful yourself and that you get careful and prayerful advice from your parents, and friendly elders! For this is the great factor to notice about Courtship: it is a time and an experience in which you choose.
Of course, you can't choose without knowing fairly intimately the one upon whom your preference has fallen. That is why Courtship is good and necessary. There must be a special relationship between you which makes possible private talks, and sharing together of interests and activities. You `go places' together. You are invited to each others homes. You worship together and take part in Christian service together. In all these experiences you can observe each other in different circumstances and notice each others reactions. It is a good thing for this experience of Courtship to take a long time so that by the time your choice is made you are quite sure that you have chosen aright.
Here are four guiding principles to help you to choose:
(1) Choose a Christian
`Can two walk together except they be agreed?' The warning of the apostle not to be unequally yoked is not only an authoritative word to the Christian believer; it is a wise human word that it is fatal to ignore. An unequal yoke is bound to chafe. Do not think that being `in love' is enough and that after marriage you can win your partner to discipleship. It may not be so. Besides, Christian marriage is a sacrament made before God. You must both start from the same place. The two must be one in Christ.
What wonderful possibilities there are in Christian marriage of fellowship and ministry!
`Our Lord's marvelous promise to two who are agreed gives a thrill to married couples who are one in Him, for all the resources of God are placed at their disposal for the healing and reconciling of a world astray. That is what imparts to Christian marriage its far vistas' (A. Macbeath).
(2) Choose a Kindred Spirit
It is not enough that your friend is a Christian. He or she must have a personality that harmonizes with your own. The word to describe this essential element in life partnership is Affinity, and is defined in the dictionary as `relationship by spiritual attraction'. Negatively it means that the one must be free from anything that would offend the other's tastes. Positively it means that the mind, intellect, speech, habits, and tastes of the one are pleasing to the other. Especially must this be true of mind and soul.
`You see, we are both artists,' said a man to me the other day, when he was describing how his wife's way of arranging the home was so very satisfying to his soul and mind. `He satisfies my intellectual hunger and seems to fit my mind,' said a girl who described to me a new boy friend who had come into her life. That's it! - Affinity. `We cannot keep apart, Adam,' said Dinah Morris, `my soul seems knit to thine.'
(3) Look for Character
Mrs. Smith is a white-haired widow who lives in a little cottage in our village. I was surprised when I found that she was not much more than fifty. Her face is calm now but deeply lined with the marks of past sorrow. She sat rocking herself in her chair as she told me the most hair-raising story of an unhappy married life. Her husband was unspeakably cruel. `How came you to marry him?' I asked her. `Oh, he was such a fine young man,' she said, `his voice was deep and vibrant, and as we walked along the country roads he quoted miles of poetry. My courtship was like a beautiful dream. I was enchanted. It was after we married I noticed defects in his character. We were kindred spirits, but that wasn't enough. I should have looked for character.'
Take warning then, and look for character. Does he always keep his appointment? What sort of excuses does he make if he doesn't? What are his habits like? Is he an abstainer? On the other hand: Does she always tell you the exact truth? Is she fickle in her affections? Does she want her mother to wait on her hand and foot? Is she vain?
`You want me to marry an angel,' said a boy to whom I pointed out these things. Well - that's not a bad ideal. The trouble is that love is blind and we always think she is an angel when we are courting. It is not unwise to make quite sure before marriage, and while it is foolish to expect perfection, it is very wise to put high value on character.
(4) Look for Accomplishments
I do not mean those abilities that need an academic training, but the sort of things that any wise mother will teach her daughter. The young man is preparing for his responsibilities mainly by his diligence in his trade or profession. A young woman should prepare by learning all the practical tasks which make for efficient wifehood and motherhood and home-making. She is a fortunate girl whose mother regards it her duty to give this kind of homey training and teaches her daughter, for instance, the art of cooking in all its varied and interesting branches. The use, of the [sewing] work-basket is necessary too, as well as so many other aspects of home-making.
If a girl is not fortunate in her mother, she can determine to make use of classes for domestic science which are held in most towns during winter evenings, and so train herself in these elemental womanly arts. What a pathetic waste of golden 'teen years to spend evening after evening at frivolities, when life's true happiness awaits all those who will prepare for it. Even if marriage is not her destiny the girl who trains herself in this practical way has not wasted her time. Anyway, let every girl remember that the best type of boy will not merely be attracted by a pretty face, but will have heeded his mother's warning:
Can she cook, and can she sew, Billy boy?
[The same advice goes for boys: carpentry, car mechanics, electrical work and plumbing are always useful skills, but especially so in marriage.]
The guidance of God is the underlying principle for the Christian youth or maiden, in choosing a partner. God will guide those who seek His leading. But even so, He will do it through your own wits and also by the wise advice of Christian friends. If you are in Christian fellowship and prayerfully follow the four guiding principles you will not make a mistake.